omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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