theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I can feel your judgement through the phone
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
