You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
