There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize