between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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