he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
