Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
kristin has been a bad kristin
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize