just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize