Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
