I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
