dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
