I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
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