it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize