What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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