I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I need water and some morals
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
