You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
