you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
