My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize