I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
