I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Also, beer. Big fan.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
