I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
it glows. i had to have it.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
