i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
