did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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