M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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