I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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