My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Randomize
