meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
