This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
