I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
