I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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