1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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