woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
