I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
That's intense
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Randomize
