this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
