these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
