she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
