When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
