Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
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