im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
