Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
