dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
