I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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