The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
