i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
This toilet bowl is my home.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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