He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
