I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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