i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
