My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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