you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
