Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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