I wish my penis had an off switch
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
