in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
