So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
