me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
