Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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