I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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