a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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