You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
