I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
